she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
