last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I want to be your penis for a week.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
