I never want to see another naked old woman again.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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