I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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