you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
