She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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