I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
