that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
