people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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