Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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