Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
