the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
