my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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