the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
