it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
