Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just high enough for therapy.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
