It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
