im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
