he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
