I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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