You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My pussy is not your playground.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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