And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize