i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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