R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
