i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
