Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
