I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
