Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
