I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
