Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
