she woke up with a sticky ear
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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