she woke up with a sticky ear
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
