This is not my ceiling
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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