My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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