I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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