You're my little dorito
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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