His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
