Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
did you just send me my own nude
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize