Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
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