my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
