The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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