you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
