My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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