Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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