I will die if light touches me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize