It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
