im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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