i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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