I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
