to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
