I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
