I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize