I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
