My sheets look like a crime scene.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
