How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
