Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
