They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
