that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
