Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize