i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
