so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
